Post by los on May 3, 2008 23:34:21 GMT -5
The itsy, bitsy spider wanted a cape.
Let's face facts. Capes were hot.
Who had a cape? That tool, Mario. He had one that let him fly. Heck, Yoshi could sort of fly if Mario had a cape. And Mario was about as big a sell-out as an imaginary character could be. Mario didn't stick to, say, action adventure stuff. Apparently, on the side, he took up go-karting, tennis, crappy graphics programs, bowling, and rumbles to the death. Mario was a damn bastard hack, over-exposed, corny, and not even a -real- Chimera like Itsy. Just some overpackaged marketing bastard who was clearly -not- a very fierce, very tough, very -sexy- spider like Itsy.
Fuck Mario. Itsy hopes Princess Peach gets the clap from Link and gives it to him.
That didn't mean his cape wasn't awesome. Batman had a cape. Superman had a cape. Those guys were fine, a little too overexposed for Itsy, but still fairly imagination-inspiring. Spiderman was too cool for a cape. Spiderman was too cool for -everything.- But you know who went capeless?
Captain Planet.
Capes, clearly, were awesome.
So now, the main problem which Itsy had was he was either a stuffed animal or a chimera. Since he couldn't convince Cairo to make him one, he had to solve his own dilemma. Becoming real and going Shelob on a costume shop seemed a little destructive for his current mission, so the young spider sneaked out the window and made his way down to street level, hitching a ride on passerbys by jumping on their heads. This, he hoped, would make him more like Luigi, the under-appreciated sibling who was not so much of a lame bastard. (Itsy didn't want to be anything like Sonic. Mario was bad enough as a piece of corporate, soulless art, but Sonic was just pure 'nineties marketing exec's opinion of what kids liked' chic. Itsy considered him even worse than the blue guy with a green mullet.)
Now, head-hopping was a good way to get around, though occasionally a young child spotted Itsy and pointed. Itsy usually just waved at the child and made his way around the city. He didn't mind their attention at all, and no one ever believed them. However, today, there was a decided lack of adventure in his trip, and that could not be born by the heroic, fierce spider. Itsy made it a point to try to stealthily avoid the gaze of children today. After all...they...why was he avoiding them? Ah! Yes, today the children all had machine guns. Big ones, like in Rambo. Bigger. And they...they weren't kids at all, but replacements, sent in by the Powers That Be to enact Operation: Hamster Rolling Thunder Omega. Yes, this was much more heroic. Itsy crawled over the Suits and the Power-Skirts all day, using the bodies of the Drones to keep himself safe from the sleeper agents of the Powers That Be, masked as children, so they could not stop him from getting a cape to fly up and end their plan in a final confrontation atop the Airship.
Did he need a turtle shell to fly?
So Itsy dodged the replacement kids all day as he rode around looking for a cape. He could see the red dot of their sniper rifles shining on the Suits. (You might point out the kids had machine guns. Itsy would calmly note that they were machine-gun sniper rifles and tell you to stop interrupting his narrative. Does he interrupt yours?) Every once in a while, one just barely missed him. Once, the replacements drew a bead on him and fired, taking down a Suit when Itsy pulled a heroic, bullet-time dodge, leaping onto the head of a Cop and bouncing off onto 'way too much Yankees' merchandise man.' (No, the Suit did not just trip on the curb.) From Yankees Fanatic, Itsy bounced onto the yellow cab rolling down the street, ordered its driver to turn right, and was really pleased as punch when he did. Clearly, this taxi driver was on his side. Itsy named him Wonderspiderling on the spot, dubbed him a sidekick, and told him all about his quest during the next red light. Now, with the wind in his plush, Itsy could be off to find his grand cape, the top of his cab pocked and raked by machine-gun-sniper-rifle fire. Itsy was unafraid. Wonderspiderling was there to die tragically, taking the bullet for the hero when all else failed.
A few blocks later, Itsy called out for Wonderspiderling to stop, and he did, the red light having nothing to do with it. There! There was his cape! Leaping from the cab, Itsy dashed under cover of Suits for the magical gateway to Pampered Pooch, the first layer of Hades (clearly, as there was Cerberus, a poodle, at the door). Apparently, Hell had been doing some remodeling since he last harrowed it, since Cerebus was in the lap of a massive Blue Haired Troll with mink fur covering her corpulent body. Cerberus gave out a battle growl, recognizing his spidery foe, and the Blue Haired Troll rose, saying, “What's wrong, Schnookie?”
Bruga-bru!
<i>Schnookie? Wow, Cerberus, they completely emasculated you since our last battle. Who gave you that haircut? And oh my! Hades cut them off!</i>
Cerberus just growled, but Itsy understood.
<i>Foe, you return! I was punished, trapped in this humiliating form since my defeat! I shall avenge myself now!</i>
Breathing fire, Cerberus leapt from the Blue Haired Troll's lap, jaws snapping for Itsy. The Troll rose, crying out, “Schnookie!” and bounding to support the attack. Itsy leapt into action. He dodged the fire with a quick leap and landed on Cerberus' back, sinking his fangs down and rolling him quickly. Cerberus collapsed, poisoned. The Blue Haired Troll continued, raising her mighty fists, and Itsy tumbled away, rushing to sting her in the ankle. But the Troll was impervious, instead falling to disparately try to raise up Cerberus and weeping horrifically when the champion of Hades' gate did not rise.
There! There in the underworld was his prize. Amongst priceless artifacts, some fitted for other hellhounds like Cerberus, Itsy found his magical cape. Seizing it in his mandibles, he put it on, sneaked out the gates of Hades, and caught a cab back to Cairo's apartment. Climbing to the roof, he leaped.
Thud.
<i>Bruga....</i>
Damn it, Hades would be sneaky enough to have fake capes.
His quest for the real cape would continue...another time.
Let's face facts. Capes were hot.
Who had a cape? That tool, Mario. He had one that let him fly. Heck, Yoshi could sort of fly if Mario had a cape. And Mario was about as big a sell-out as an imaginary character could be. Mario didn't stick to, say, action adventure stuff. Apparently, on the side, he took up go-karting, tennis, crappy graphics programs, bowling, and rumbles to the death. Mario was a damn bastard hack, over-exposed, corny, and not even a -real- Chimera like Itsy. Just some overpackaged marketing bastard who was clearly -not- a very fierce, very tough, very -sexy- spider like Itsy.
Fuck Mario. Itsy hopes Princess Peach gets the clap from Link and gives it to him.
That didn't mean his cape wasn't awesome. Batman had a cape. Superman had a cape. Those guys were fine, a little too overexposed for Itsy, but still fairly imagination-inspiring. Spiderman was too cool for a cape. Spiderman was too cool for -everything.- But you know who went capeless?
Captain Planet.
Capes, clearly, were awesome.
So now, the main problem which Itsy had was he was either a stuffed animal or a chimera. Since he couldn't convince Cairo to make him one, he had to solve his own dilemma. Becoming real and going Shelob on a costume shop seemed a little destructive for his current mission, so the young spider sneaked out the window and made his way down to street level, hitching a ride on passerbys by jumping on their heads. This, he hoped, would make him more like Luigi, the under-appreciated sibling who was not so much of a lame bastard. (Itsy didn't want to be anything like Sonic. Mario was bad enough as a piece of corporate, soulless art, but Sonic was just pure 'nineties marketing exec's opinion of what kids liked' chic. Itsy considered him even worse than the blue guy with a green mullet.)
Now, head-hopping was a good way to get around, though occasionally a young child spotted Itsy and pointed. Itsy usually just waved at the child and made his way around the city. He didn't mind their attention at all, and no one ever believed them. However, today, there was a decided lack of adventure in his trip, and that could not be born by the heroic, fierce spider. Itsy made it a point to try to stealthily avoid the gaze of children today. After all...they...why was he avoiding them? Ah! Yes, today the children all had machine guns. Big ones, like in Rambo. Bigger. And they...they weren't kids at all, but replacements, sent in by the Powers That Be to enact Operation: Hamster Rolling Thunder Omega. Yes, this was much more heroic. Itsy crawled over the Suits and the Power-Skirts all day, using the bodies of the Drones to keep himself safe from the sleeper agents of the Powers That Be, masked as children, so they could not stop him from getting a cape to fly up and end their plan in a final confrontation atop the Airship.
Did he need a turtle shell to fly?
So Itsy dodged the replacement kids all day as he rode around looking for a cape. He could see the red dot of their sniper rifles shining on the Suits. (You might point out the kids had machine guns. Itsy would calmly note that they were machine-gun sniper rifles and tell you to stop interrupting his narrative. Does he interrupt yours?) Every once in a while, one just barely missed him. Once, the replacements drew a bead on him and fired, taking down a Suit when Itsy pulled a heroic, bullet-time dodge, leaping onto the head of a Cop and bouncing off onto 'way too much Yankees' merchandise man.' (No, the Suit did not just trip on the curb.) From Yankees Fanatic, Itsy bounced onto the yellow cab rolling down the street, ordered its driver to turn right, and was really pleased as punch when he did. Clearly, this taxi driver was on his side. Itsy named him Wonderspiderling on the spot, dubbed him a sidekick, and told him all about his quest during the next red light. Now, with the wind in his plush, Itsy could be off to find his grand cape, the top of his cab pocked and raked by machine-gun-sniper-rifle fire. Itsy was unafraid. Wonderspiderling was there to die tragically, taking the bullet for the hero when all else failed.
A few blocks later, Itsy called out for Wonderspiderling to stop, and he did, the red light having nothing to do with it. There! There was his cape! Leaping from the cab, Itsy dashed under cover of Suits for the magical gateway to Pampered Pooch, the first layer of Hades (clearly, as there was Cerberus, a poodle, at the door). Apparently, Hell had been doing some remodeling since he last harrowed it, since Cerebus was in the lap of a massive Blue Haired Troll with mink fur covering her corpulent body. Cerberus gave out a battle growl, recognizing his spidery foe, and the Blue Haired Troll rose, saying, “What's wrong, Schnookie?”
Bruga-bru!
<i>Schnookie? Wow, Cerberus, they completely emasculated you since our last battle. Who gave you that haircut? And oh my! Hades cut them off!</i>
Cerberus just growled, but Itsy understood.
<i>Foe, you return! I was punished, trapped in this humiliating form since my defeat! I shall avenge myself now!</i>
Breathing fire, Cerberus leapt from the Blue Haired Troll's lap, jaws snapping for Itsy. The Troll rose, crying out, “Schnookie!” and bounding to support the attack. Itsy leapt into action. He dodged the fire with a quick leap and landed on Cerberus' back, sinking his fangs down and rolling him quickly. Cerberus collapsed, poisoned. The Blue Haired Troll continued, raising her mighty fists, and Itsy tumbled away, rushing to sting her in the ankle. But the Troll was impervious, instead falling to disparately try to raise up Cerberus and weeping horrifically when the champion of Hades' gate did not rise.
There! There in the underworld was his prize. Amongst priceless artifacts, some fitted for other hellhounds like Cerberus, Itsy found his magical cape. Seizing it in his mandibles, he put it on, sneaked out the gates of Hades, and caught a cab back to Cairo's apartment. Climbing to the roof, he leaped.
Thud.
<i>Bruga....</i>
Damn it, Hades would be sneaky enough to have fake capes.
His quest for the real cape would continue...another time.